Most people think perfectionism is about high standards.
It isn’t.
Not really.
Perfectionism is usually about safety.
About trying to control how you're seen.
About avoiding criticism, disappointment or conflict.
And about holding yourself to a standard that no human can realistically meet.
I see this often in coaching. People come in exhausted, overwhelmed and confused about why they can’t relax, slow down or do something “just okay.” The truth is simple:
Perfectionism worked for them at times.
Now it’s working against them.
Here are some of the patterns I see most:
Trying to predict every reaction
Perfectionists don’t just prepare. They prepare for every possibility so they can avoid making a mistake or being judged. It’s a mental load that never switches off.
Needing clarity before taking action
If the path isn’t clear, the perfectionist freezes. Not because they’re lazy, but because uncertainty feels threatening.
Confusing worth with achievement
When your value is tied to performance, slowing down feels dangerous. Rest becomes something you have to earn.
Being harder on yourself than anyone else ever would
Perfectionists rarely notice how loud their inner critic is. It becomes the background noise of their life.
Feeling resentful but hiding it well
They appear calm, helpful and organised. Underneath, they’re stretched, overwhelmed and quietly angry that no one sees how much they’re holding.
So what helps?
Start with noticing the pattern, not fixing it
Perfectionism softens when you understand why it’s there. What did it protect you from? What did it help you achieve? What would happen if you weren’t perfect?
Pay attention to your body
Perfectionism lives in the body: tight chest, shallow breathing, tension in the jaw. When you notice it, you can slow it down.
Experiment with “good enough” in safe areas
Not everywhere. Not all at once. Just small moments where the world won’t fall apart if you don’t get it right.
Separate who you are from what you produce
This is the hardest part. But it’s the one that changes everything.
Perfectionism isn’t a personality trait.
It’s a coping strategy.
A trusted one.
A learned one.
And one you can unlearn at your own pace.
If you’re ready to understand these patterns in a deeper, gentler way, you can book a session when you’re ready.
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